What if?
by Caz Malfoy
Summary: Life's full of 'what ifs', What if I'd done this? What if I'd said that? COMPLETE


A/N: This entire story is true, just with a Harry Potter twist. Names have been changed for obvious reasons, although I don't think anyone who it involves will be reading this, but you never know. Please don't flame this as it a very personal piece of fan fiction and was very hard for me to write without breaking down.

I dedicate this to anyone out there who, like me, has loved some one but has been hurt in return, I know it feels like you're the only person in the world that fells like that, believe me I do know, because I'm at that stage right now. But I hope this fic makes you aware that people feel the same way you do (listen to me, I sound like an agony aunt). Reviews are always welcomed and if anybody wants to know anything, put your email address in the review and I will personally make sure I reply to you.

Thanks a million,

Luv Caz Malfoy

What if?

What if?

Life's full of what if's, what if I'd done this? What if I'd said that?

I have loved you for as long as I can remember, I don't mean some silly schoolgirl crush. I mean love, truelove, and the real deal.

When I think about you I feel warm somewhere inside of me, in places that I didn't know existed before. Just thinking about you makes me feel fuzzy all over; I get butterflies in my stomach and my head starts to spin. I know this sounds all very cliché, but it's true, that what I feel.

The worst part is seeing you with someone else, it feels like someone has stuck a knife in my heart and is jiggling it about, pulling it in and out for emphasis. Seeing you all over her, well almost all over, cuts me to the bone. It would probably make me feel better if I could just lay on my bed at night and cry myself to sleep over you, but for some reason the tears won't come. 

I look at how happy you are with her and I wish it were I in your arms. You met her went you both went to Quidditch camp for a week during the summer and I couldn't go. You see funds are limited at the moment, so I couldn't have gone, I wanted to but I couldn't. And I can't help feeling that if I had gone it would be me in your arms and not HER. 

I don't know what hurts most, the fact that it isn't me your holding so tenderly or the fact that she is four years younger than you? If I said it was that you are four years older than you and it's disgusting, I would be a hypocrite. Do you my first and ex-boyfriend? Nathaniel, he turned twenty, four months ago. We started dating in August, at Quidditch camp actually, that only lasted a week, it was over before school started. I was devastated, I couldn't believe that the first serious relationship I had ever had was over pretty much before it began. But I was also angry with myself, I was angry that I got involved with someone who I felt nothing more than friendship for. Do you know why I even agreed to go out with him in the first place? No of course you don't, the only person I have ever told is my younger sister, she's only four years younger so we're pretty close.

At Quidditch camp last year my best friends, Harry and Ron, had abandoned me, which they usually do when a broomstick, or anything to do with Quidditch, is in sight, so I was feeling pretty left out. I started hanging around the gathering hall, and Nathaniel and me started talking. After that we pretty much did everything together, our friendship steadily grew deeper and I started to trust him. I told him how much I liked you, I didn't mention anything about love though, he said he'd talk to you and see if he could find out anything about your feelings towards me. He came back a while later, claiming to have spoken to you, which I now bout very much. He said that there was no way on Earth that you could ever like a 'freak' like me, well maybe he didn't exactly use the word freak but I think that's what he was trying to say. Of course I was crushed, all my hopes and dreams of us ever getting together, that is if I could ever find enough courage to admit my true feelings for you. On the way back he asked me if I liked him, and I suppose because I was still in the 're-bound' stage I agreed, although looking back now I see that I never really liked him in the first place. Like I said, we lasted a week before he decided it wasn't going to work out and dumped me over the phone, I respected him even less for this, being dumped over the phone probably hurt more than being dumped in person.

When you found out that him and me were going out you didn't speak to me properly until well after Christmas, and that hurt more than the break up, because over the past couple of years you and me have become firm friends and now I consider you to be one of my best.

You are going to play professional Quidditch for the Ireland team, you'll be gone in just over two weeks, then you told me your off to a magical university in Scotland, though further south than Hogwarts is, so the only time I'll see you is the holidays if you decide to visit us.

Last night I dreamed, that's not really an unusual thing, but when I awoke my heart was aching more than usual. I dreamt that you and Lola broke up and you were devastated. You were hiding in a room at the youth group and refused to come out or speak to anyone other than me. I was confused as to why you asked for me of all people but I still went up to room 1 (the room you were in) and gently knocked on the door, you asked who it was, I told you and you said I could come in.

I asked what was wrong, you told me that you and Lola had a fight and that you didn't think it was working out. I felt awkward but I put my arm around you in a friendly way to try and comfort you, as much as it hurt me to say so, I told you that everything was going to be ok and that the two of you would find a way through it. You looked me in the eye and told me that it was over between the two of you, that you never loved her in the first place. I asked whom you loved and you responded by placing your lips on top of mine. They tasted so delicious and so soft, like silk.

Then do you know what happened?

I woke up.

That's all our relationship will ever be I think, just a distant dream and a constant longing somewhere deep down in my heart. I don't think there's anything I can do about it now, you're leaving and it's too late.

Just remember this one thing. I love you, you were my first, last and only love, and that will never change.

Love always,

Hermione Granger


End file.
